We all want a hot and steamy sex life… and by “we” I mean “I”… but really folks, it ain’t gonna happen at your plastic surgeon’s office. Believe me, I work (live) at one. So, unless you happen to be the patient of the egotistical and uber-sexual Dr. Christian Troy, again… not gonna happen. Oh, and since he isn’t real, if you think it might happen, you need to either cut back on the meds… or increase them. But, hey, I’m not a psychiatrist.

Something else that isn’t real? Surprise! That’s right, most of what happened on this week’s nip/tuck. It’s unfortunate. It’s also unfortunate… actually, that’s way too soft of a word… it’s also incredibly cruel… barbaric… that in some countries, men AND women still engage in a sadistic ritual of genital mutilation on young girls. It’s sick. And, it’s the focus of this episode, one I’m going to call…

If We Could, We Would

There’s a lot of truly amazing… not strong enough a word… miraculous things that plastic surgeons do everyday with elective surgery in this country to improve not only someone’s look but their outlook as well. There are also many ways that surgeons reach out to needy men, women and children around the world. So, you can only imagine when one has a consultation with a patient they can’t help. It’s a horrible feeling. In this episode, Manya Mabika is just such a patient (except that you wouldn’t know it… stick with).

Ms. Mabika is a top model, and a Somali woman, who like real-life model, Waris Dirie, was a victim of genital mutilation. She not only has to live with the daily reminder of her torture, but is unable to experience any pleasurable sensation related to sex. Probably, not what Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy were expecting when they asked their usual, “So, tell me what you don’t like about yourself.”

Fortunately for her – and unfortunately for viewers looking for the facts – they inform her that there’s a procedure where they can perform a free flap transfer (the transfer of tissue from one body part to another), rebuilding her clitoris with tissue removed from one of her toes. They refer to this micro-surgical free tissue replantation as an “experimental” procedure. Damn straight. In fact, when it comes to reconstructing the clitoris, it’s actually called science fiction.

While procedures such as labiaplasty are becoming increasingly popular, regrettably, I can assure you that no toe will ever completely repair the damage done. While surgeons periodically meet with patients living with the devastating condition of clitoral mutilation, the fact is, there’s little hope for 100% repair. Moreover, any nifty idea that a plastic surgeon may have in his little doctor’s bag of tricks to reconstruct the clitoris would absolutely, positively need to be medically tried and tested before being performed on a walk-in.

Of course, this sort of dramatic story telling not only leads to the inevitable Emmy nomination, but also to dialogue that’s an absolute joke. Here, Dr. Troy argues about why he is most suited to perform the surgery:

• Dr. Troy: “You might be more adept at nerve reattachment, Sean, but I am a GD genius when it comes to pussy. If I build it she will come.”

Guy talk, I guess, except that they’re talking about a woman that was tortured. Ultimately, they flip a coin… OMG! Anyway, lo and behold, there’s a happy ending… well, not for Dr. Troy who graciously decides to volunteer his services to test out his masterpiece. Unfortunately, poor Christian fails to give his patient “the big O,” although, Liz – the practice’s lovely anesthesiologist (and practicing lesbian… and conscious of McNamara/Troy) – doesn’t have the same problem. Don’t feel bad, Dr. Troy, it happens. Anyway, Liz just tells the woman that she’s got to learn how to “love herself” before she can experience satisfaction from someone else loving her. Now they tell me!

Unrealistic expectations and unethical behavior… exactly what we’ve come to expect with nip/tuck.

See you next time.

Charlie Sheridan

Medical Editor and Consultant