I like to think that I’m here to help point out the differences between the ridiculous things that happen every week on nip/tuck and the positive, life-enhancing sort of things that happen everyday at a real plastic surgery practice. I know, the job’s pretty easy. For instance, this week, Dr. Troy said, “I slide on a johnny hat every time I perform a slipindicktomy on a woman of questionable standards.” Well, I’m here to tell you that there’s NO SUCH THING as a slipindicktomy… I’ve never seen it… never heard of it… it’s made up. Oh, and Dr. Troy… I’m pretty sure it’s called a “jimmy hat.” Anyway… I’m going to call this episode…

NUMB NOSE, NUMB SOUL… NUMBSKULLS

We know Sean has a wife and kids and that he works over 70 hours a week. So, he must really take advantage of what little free time happens to come his way… you know, live a little. Yeah, he likes to read Consumer Reports. “I’m very bold,” he says. Dr. Troy… your rebuttal? You have five seconds. “Want to be bold, Sean? Start slow. Wear some flat front pants.” Hey, good advice for anyone. Anyway, this week, the two best friends and business partners consult with patient, Joel Gideon.

Joel’s suffering from the effects of severe frostbite across his cheeks resulting from a fall during his climb of Chomolungma… also known as Mount Everest. Sean would never attempt such a foolish act; he’s got kids! Christian wouldn’t either; there’s nothing up there to have sex with. Besides, he loves his physical self way too much to jeopardize it for something as fleeting as spiritual gain. Oh, well.

Oh! Joel’s got a wife and kids as well. Hmmm… then why’s the damn fool climbing mountains? Is he nuts? Because he’d “rather have a numb nose than a numb soul.” You see, he doesn’t want his kids growing up fearful of life, forever hiding in their houses behind the “steely integrity” of America’s most trusted product review periodical. Really? That’s nice. Good luck. Well, McNamara/Troy can’t help you if you’re going to make them feel bad. Come on now… of course they help him with a nose job, using skin grafts harvested from other sites on his body to reconstruct his face. And, exactly how does Joel repay them? Besides his sincere thanks, you mean? Well, he inspires them to take chances… yeah, he’s obviously still gotta pay the bill, though. I mean, thanks and inspiration are great, but they don’t feed the bulldog.

And so Dr. Troy embarked on a custody battle for Wilbur, a boy given the incredible gift of life by Troy’s sexaholic, off-again/let’s-get-it-on-again girlfriend and a sixty-something year old man she slept with at the Airport Ramada. Don’t act like you haven’t done it! Anyway, of course, Dr. Troy lost (everybody sort of lost in this storyline), but at least he tried. Dr. McNamara? Well, he ate some fugu (poisonous Japanese blowfish) and almost went swimming with some sharks. Again, at least he tried… almost.

And, the writers at F/X will undoubtedly give it another try!

See you next time.

Charlie Sheridan

Medical Editor and Consultant