“Hello, Newman.”

“Lucy, I’m home!”

“Kiss my grits!”

“Beam me up, Scotty.”

“Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”

They’re some of the most famous lines in television history. Well, my friends, last night the writers of nip/tuck unleashed a real doosie of a line… an instant classic, if you ask me. Remember, you heard it here first… well, okay, you heard it here second. I’m going to call this episode (and I’m going to see if I can trademark)…

“PEPE, FETCH THE TITS.”

“Hello, Pepe. Fetch the tits.”
“Pepe, I’m home! Fetch the tits!”
“Kiss my grits, then fetch the tits!”
“Fetch the tits up, Pepe.” Okay, that last one was a stretch, so I’m over it. Done.

“Pepe, Pepe, Pepe!”

Okay, okay. Fine. Hey, who uses the word, “fetch” anymore, anyway? Colombian drug lord, Escobar Gallardo, that’s who. Cue ominous music. “I Wear My Sunglasses at Night” by Corey Hart? Ominous… really? Okay.

It’s been waaaaay too long since I’ve… we’ve seen Mr. Gallardo; he first appeared in the Pilot episode of nip/tuck. Beautifully played by actor Robert LaSardo, Escobar’s been gone, but he hasn’t forgotten about McNamara/Troy’s secret… that the two took a bribe to perform plastic surgery on a mobster, and that when the mobster was killed by an associate and left at McNamara/Troy, the two plastic surgeons dumped the body in the Florida everglades. Escobar knows. And, they know he knows, and he knows they know he knows.

Anyway, the drug lord makes them an offer they can’t refuse: you see, Escobar has three “mules” or women lured/forced into transporting drugs. He wants McNamara/Troy to remove not one pair, but two sets of extremely painful double breast implants placed both in front and behind the chest muscle of the women. These implants, of course, are filled with liquid heroin… definitely NOT approved by the FDA. Bad boy, Escobar; you need to be spanked! Anyway, surely Sean and Christian will refuse, right? No! You can’t refuse an offer you can’t refuse. If you do, well, then Escobar will just have to “do” Sean’s wife, Julia. And when I say, “do,” I don’t mean kill; I mean… do. Hey, nobody does Dr. McNamara’s wife! Not even Dr. McNamara! Cue surgery music (“Poison Arrow” by ABC???) and cut to breast reduction videos showing the removal of the dangerously large implants. Oh, and Pepe, fetch the tits. Pepe is Escobar’s bodyguard, personal taster and tits gopher.

Was it just me, or did this week’s nip/tuck feel more like a lost episode of Miami Vice? Think about it… Miami, drug lords, music by ABC, The Cars and Corey Hart… and heroin. It’s obvious why the ’80s were considered so glamorous, huh? Pastels, synthesizers and a drug known as skag. Anyway, I guess the budget didn’t allow for the Velvet Underground’s, “Heroin” or even “Heroin Girl” by Everclear to be played during the breast reduction videos to remove the heroin-filled breast implants. Too obvious, maybe. Still, there are a lot of good songs out there about smack that would’ve worked better: Mr. Brownstone (Guns N’ Roses), The Needle and The Damage Done (Neil Young), Brown Sugar (The Rolling Stones) , Yellow (Coldplay)… any song by O-Town. Seriously, though, Cold Turkey (John Lennon) would’ve been perfect because it’s literally about heroin withdrawal. Seriously.

Another serious issue is breast reduction. Through the three “mules” – let’s call them what they are…patients – viewers of nip/tuck hopefully took away a little bit about just how debilitating large, pendulous breasts can be for real women in the real world:

• problems finding clothes that fit. Clothes that flatter? Forget about it
• indentations in the shoulders caused by strained bra straps
• exhaustion
• embarrassment
• inability to exercise
• rashes under and between the breasts
• self-esteem problems from years of being gawked at by insensitive individuals

Ladies, listen up; it doesn’t have to be this way. Breast reduction can end the pain. In fact, extremely large breasts are often viewed by insurance companies as a real medical condition and therefore many women like you are reimbursed for their breast reduction. You don’t have to live with the physical pain and mental anguish associated with overly large breast. Watch some real breast reduction videos, and see for yourself how the procedure is performed and how it has helped other women. You’ll be glad you did, and I’ll be glad you did. And, if you want to chat, I’m here for you.

So, what else happened on nip/tuck? Well, Gina’s six months along with Dr. Troy’s baby. To raise a little money – not for the baby, of course, but rather “hush money”… also known as paying a “tribute”… to Escobar – Dr. Troy sold his Rolex and his other baby, the Boatox, to his archrival, Merrill Bobolit. Things are starting to heat up for next week’s big season finale. Can’t wait.

See you next time. “Seacrest, out!”

Charlie Sheridan

Medical Editor and Consultant